pretty boy five

because I  wanted to postpone reflection
and induce vacation for the emotional brain
we went to a brazilian steakhouse on oregon and oklahoma
where they offer you 13 different kinds of meat
and you say yes or no according to their aesthetic appeal
it is all you can eat so you get a bite of each and throw the rest away
because you know more will come
and it will hopefully be better than the last
and you train your body not to feel full because you want to make your money’s worth

we nibbled on little starch to avoid constipation and wondered how much more of this  tendency for constancy of mine would last
I felt sincerely old because it occurred to me that my birthday was coming up and all I could think of was wonder how much a 12-pack of beer cost these days
and if I would stop inviting guests for the simple reason that otherwise they would hear about it and feel uninvited and cheated
I felt american and gross
embarrassed to be aging before others
a birthday, too obviously self-indulgent of a date for one to feign midwestern smile
and true hospitality

he tapped the thirsty glass like he was scavenging through bones
eyes closed, bloated but not defeated
the meat was there
so he forced hunger and variety
turnover, turnover

he thought about something I would never think of
dirt, patios, cat food
writing the hours with little projects
masking sentiment with book jackets
fear of aids with superficial fucks
angst with wide gaps between reality and fiction